Welcome to the last week of high school for many (including yours truly) graduating Seniors – a week that we, as parents, pretended would never come. Now, I know there are KPIs to crush and sweet, sweet productivity to achieve – but we parents of seniors are checked out right now. Just accept that.
As I reflect on the journey, it almost feels like from the first day Colin came into the world, we started the process of the long goodbye – we had all of these little goodbyes along the way. We woke up one day and realized our baby was no longer a baby – replaced by a toddler full of energy, curiosity and a dash of mischievousness. It was our first goodbye and we really can't put our finger on when it happened.
We then found ourselves going through all the lessons with our toddler…walking, talking, “no don’t touch that!” And soon we were confronted with the next goodbye – he was heading to preschool. Then kindergarten. We had an elementary school principal walk through the hallways on the first day of school with a box of Kleenex for all the parents of kindergarteners on Day 1. This goodbye was much more obvious and a wake-up call that time is moving along.
Now, our kiddo? Well, he just sat down at his desk and was ready to go! Elementary school was, thankfully, long. But it hides a dark secret…because it’s so long, it lulls you into thinking time has slowed down. You have choir concerts, and parent-teacher conferences, sporting activities, birthday parties…it all seems so routine and you feel like this phase will last forever. But then? 5th grade comes. When and how did your kid grow so much? And now there is talk of middle school? What happened to my toddler?!? And so, we say goodbye to the safety of elementary school…goodbye to the perception that he was still “little.” And we head to middle school.
Middle school. Ugh. I personally hated middle school and I dreaded this phase. My own baggage of being bullied got in the way of me ever feeling ‘comfortable’ with having a kid in middle school. Colin went to a 6th grade center – and before we could blink, he was on to 7th grade. 7th and 8th grade seemed to go even faster – and middle school was over before we got to experience that nice, routine existence we had in elementary school. Back-to-back goodbyes before we could really ‘settle.’ I wish I had found steadier ground during that time.
Freshman year. I repeat, this is not a drill! Enter the world’s biggest case of denial – only four years to go? I’m sure it’ll go by slow. Four years is a long time. Right? RIGHT?!? But, out of the gate, we had the COVID year. So, Colin was at home – all day, every day. It presented its challenges and stresses…and we felt terrible that Colin didn’t get to experience a real freshman year…but for us? It was bonus time. We gobbled up together time…because secretly we all knew what was around the corner. Before we knew it, Covid was over and we said goodbye to having him at home all day, every day. Another goodbye in this long goodbye.
Sophomore year came and Colin got more involved in school – I think he was trying to make up for lost time. He more fully appreciated that high school was fleeting and he did all the things. Choir, musicals, plays, various honor societies, he was a mentor and even captained his JV Scholar Bowl. It seemed like he was always in an activity.
We settled into that nice routine again with recurring concerts and plays to attend. Parent-teacher conferences that were always “he’s such a good kid…” and we, again, got lulled into a false sense of having more time than we did.
And then we entered into Senior year. This was the year that there was no more denying reality. No more burying our heads in the sand. We’re at the precipice…the biggest goodbye in the long goodbye.
As a parent of a graduating Senior, let me remind you – your friends, co-workers and relatives going through this graduation experience are not OK right now. Many of us are going through a grieving process.
I get it - every parent who has come before has gone through this and those parents often downplay the emotions of it. They’ll tell you it’s nothing new and every parent knows that this day is coming. However, grief is grief. And loss is loss. Let’s not belittle another’s reality and emotions. Parents of seniors – go ahead and feel the feels.
This goodbye represents loss of the familiar and the routine. A loss of 18 years of what normal was and facing a new-normal. It’s a loss of the day-to-day connection. We’ve had this bond for eighteen years and now that family dynamic is completely changing – and that change is so unknown. We have an idea of what may happen next, especially those of us with Seniors heading to college. But beyond that? A vast gulf of unknowns.
Each parent knows the assignment – we know that our littles will be “ours” for only a brief part of their life. We know that the job is to raise them to the point where they are no longer ‘ours’ but their own. But letting go…is never easy.
We’re also colliding with an even darker, and rarely discussed part of this new reality: we are forced to start confronting our own mortality. Many of us become parents when we were still young-ones ourselves. And while time marches on – we see the gray hairs in recent pictures, or less hair all together…we see a few more wrinkles and pounds, but we’re too caught up in the day-to-day running of life to sit and reflect. And perhaps, we’ve just chosen to bury our heads in the sand about getting older.
But our kids’ graduation forces us to remove our heads from the sand and confront reality: we started this journey as young adults and now…we’re squarely in middle age; more of life behind us than ahead. We talk about things like retirement. Down-sizing. Should we start thinking about buying a “plot.”
Grief. A drastic change in family dynamics, relationships and the realization that eighteen years have passed in the blink of an eye. We started out the journey young…and now we’re not-so-young anymore.
So parents of Seniors – it’s OK if your world stops spinning for a little bit. It’s OK to grieve for the loss of the familiar, the loss of your child being just “yours” and letting him or her head out and become their own.
It’s OK to not be OK. Just because others have gone through it doesn’t discount what you’re feeling. And as you confront how fast eighteen years has flown by, also remember the wonderful highs and even the lows you got to experience along the way.
As Einstein said – time is relative – and if your parenting journey went by fast, you did something right. It means the journey was a good experience – because good experiences seem to fly by quickly.
While our Seniors are feeling their feels and trying to process and cope – make space for your own processing. We’ve been on a journey of a thousand miles, or almost 9.5 Million minutes…to bring our kids to this moment. We’ve had our fights and battles. We’ve had the bad times that we thought would never end and the good times that we hoped would never end. We’ve gone from young adults to middle age. Celebrate your Seniors – but make time to take care of you too.
What’s the lesson in all of this? You know I’m pretty ‘anti-hustle culture. I had a conversation with a colleague last week, we both have seniors and he said – “I wrestle with: did I do enough? Was I present enough?” And I shared with him that I think each parent confronts that; even those of us who were present and active. I don’t think I missed more than 1-2 games out of every sport Colin played; in fact, we coached him in those sports more years than not. I can’t think of a concert or play I missed – and attended his shows several nights in a row.
I was there. Present. And I still ask myself “did I do enough?” I can’t imagine how a parent feels right now who prioritized the hustle and grind…for the sake of “family”…and they can’t look in the mirror right now and say “yes, I was there.” That has to hurt. I hope the ‘super-star-of-the-month’ award was worth it.
But I did fail many times – especially in the emotional baggage department. I brought home too much stress and not enough energy. While at Sprint, Marly was settling into a new job and I became the primary caregiver because I had more flexibility than she did…and Colin got sick. So, I needed to take him to the doctor. I had an asshole of a boss say “why can’t his mom do it?” I should have quit on the spot…and probably punched him too. But I carried that baggage. I let it impact my time with my son. There were other times I was distracted and thinking about work instead of being in the moment at home.
And I guess therein lies the lesson – most of us aren’t curing cancer or saving lives. Is that fire-drill today honest to God that important? Seriously? So important that you come home without energy? Come home distracted, defeated and deflated? Come home and not give your family your best? It’s not worth it. No fire-drill is. No KPI is. No idiotic work award is. Prioritization isn’t just about time – it’s about your energy. Where are you investing your whole-self? Best Widget Inc will forget about you 48 hours after you leave or pass away or whatever…your family won’t.
So to those young parents or parents to be – let go of the drama from work when you get home. Let go whatever your idiot boss said or some email that a customer sent that you’re freaking out about. Take a deep breath before you walk in the house and be present. Give your best to the people in your hearts…because it goes by so, so very fast. And you will regret the times you weren’t present with your littles.
To the Class of 2024 - Congratulations, you did it! I won’t embarrass Colin with my feelings right now – I’ll save that for later.
To the parents of these Seniors? I see you. Job well done.
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