Dear Pope Francis. Hello from the Arbuckles. We have one child. And we’re (fairly) faithful Catholics. Do you know what’s wrong with sweeping accusations and generalizations? Let’s find out.
When my wife and I decided to try for a family…we were incredibly lucky. We were blessed with a kiddo right out of the gate. A four-pound preemie, but we didn’t think anything of his being small. “Just a fluke,” we were told.
When we were ready to expand the family…that’s when reality came crashing down. Month after month of trying with no success. Then came the miscarriages. Plural. Followed by more months of emptiness. And, devastatingly…more loss.
Only in recent years have we uncovered a link between Marly’s auto-immune disorder and infertility.
Marly did not “choose” her condition. We did not “choose” to be selfish, yet here we are. Selfish. With only one child.
Dear Pope Francis, I wish you could have been in the room with us each time we saw our lifeless baby on the ultrasound screen…with the doctor saying “I’m sorry.” Each. And. Every. Time.
I would have liked to see you call me selfish then.
If those moments weren’t hard enough we also got to experience similar judgement on an almost weekly basis at church; while sitting in a room that, ironically, is called a “sanctuary.”
We heard sermon after sermon about the selfishness of small families. And we sat there. The three of us. Surrounded by a sea of large families.
We heard how God wanted every family to have large families…therefore if you didn’t produce large families…you were the root of the problem. You were doing something wrong. You had some sin to address. You were circumventing God’s will. Because God wouldn’t allow a small family to happen for those “open” to a big family.
That’s right…follow God’s will, but if for some reason it seemed that His will was pushing you towards a smaller family….well, that’s not really His will and you’re the problem. Which made each month without a pregnancy feel like another blow.
From the pulpit, we heard how these large families were mistreated and made fun of by society…yet, as members of this church…my family got to listen to how we were supposedly failing God several times a year. Assumptions were being made and while we, again, in a room called a “sanctuary” were being shamed for something completely out of our control.
But continue to tell me how large families were being shamed…poor them.
Which brings us full circle to today, dear Pope, of you contributing to this shaming. And simultaneously, you also spend time pondering why so many people are fleeing the church.
It’s a real head-scratcher.
The faithful are looking for a place of rest and reprieve from a troubled world…and yet, when we believe we’ve found that place of light and rest…we get to hear about our failings.
And not just our chosen failings, but failings wherein we have no control; how we’re “selfish” due to no personal decisions.
I get the point many will make…that Pope Francis and our church was talking about those who truly choose to have small families or no children but let me ask this. My family…the three of us…walk into a Catholic church. Do we have to wear t-shirts that say “we didn’t choose to have a small family. We’re not selfish!” Do we owe priests and parishioners an explanation before they judge us as selfish?
Hell no. You don’t get the right to my story just because we attend the same church. I owe you nothing. You can shove your judgement. You don’t get to reserve judgement until I prove my innocence.
But, without that explanation, without people knowing our story…what will people think?
They’ll reflect on the Pope’s “selfish” comments…see us and it doesn’t take a lot of hard math to draw an (incorrect) conclusion that one child + us = selfish. And that’s the lens we’re viewed through. We feel the stares and condemnation.
Words matter. Sweeping generalizations and bombastic statements have negative impacts.
You want to understand why so many people are disenfranchised with religion? This is why! If I want to be judged and shamed…I’ll go to Facebook and post something political or about Covid.
But church? It’s supposed to be where I go to feel safe. Accepted. Loved. My pain should be reduced by going to church, my load lighter...my shoulders shouldn't feel heavier after each Sunday sermon. I shouldn't be burdened with unearned shame and guilt.
But I am. I feel judged for an outcome outside of my control. I feel compelled to rehash these incredibly personal experiences just to try and earn acceptance.
And I'm so very tired of shouldering the load.
So sure, Pope Francis. I’m selfish. To former fellow parishioners…you got me. Judge away.
Because I’ve washed my hands and I no longer owe you a damn thing.
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