My son discovered the stage a little later than I did. He’s mostly a “left brain” kid – or has been up until recently (with math being is super-power). But the stage is giving him confidence and that creative outlet he needs.
Because he’s discovered theater and singing a bit later, he feels “behind” the other kids. Worse, some of the kids are less than encouraging of his development. And he takes some of the negativity to heart. He auditioned for his school’s “show” choir – and made it! Very thrilling for him. But just a few week’s later was already talking about dropping out before it’s begun because a few kids in his current choir tell him he’s “always flat.”
He went down this huge rabbit hole of “failing” and he’ll never be a “successful” performer.
And so I asked him: what does “success” mean? In his short performing career – his large ensemble received an “exemplary” rating, or a “1” to us old-timers. He auditioned for the musical and joined the ensemble. And the ensemble was nominated for a Blue Star Award (modeled after Broadway’s Tony Awards®, Kansas City’s Starlight Theater is a sponsor; he gets to perform at Starlight with the ensemble!). He made his school’s performing choir.
For someone who just discovered theater and performing within the last few years…this “feels” like great success.
But the problem is – he’s letting others define success and failure for him. But the reality is: “Success” and “failure” are simply arbitrary measures met by another arbitrary point in time.
Here’s what I mean by that – if you aren’t a ‘manager’ by 25, are you “failing?” What about at 30? 40? Who defines when we have to hit this arbitrary measure of success and what that measure is? And if I chase someone else’s version of success and achieve it? Is that really success or am I just another follower? Someone who squandered my life in pursuit of another’s dream?
Success and failure, these are just a figment of our imagination. We let society dictate what they think our success should look like and then dictate when we have to hit it by.
Matt Damon, when he won an Oscar for Good Will Hunting, had this to say about the award:
“I looked at the award and thought ‘imagine chasing that and not getting it – and getting it finally in your 80s and 90s with all of life behind you and realizing what an unbelievable waste. It can’t fill you up. If that’s a hole you have, that won’t fill it.’”
Randy Moss, Tony Gonzalez, Jim Kelly, Dan Marino – if you’re a football fan, you know those names. Some of the all-time greats at their positions. None of them – not a single one – won a Super Bowl.
Are they failures? Are they “not successful” because of this arbitrary definition of success that others placed on them?
Why do we allow others to do this to us? To steal our joy and pride of our accomplishments by dictating what success needs to be and when we need to achieve it?
I’ll never be a Fortune 500 CEO. I’ll never build a billion dollar company. I won’t be on the cover of magazines – people want to call that failure? Fuck them. Show me the cover of your magazine first before you project what I should be doing.
And let me give a piece of advice to anyone out there trying something – no one defines success for you, nor when you have to achieve it or if you even have to achieve what they say you should. If you’re enjoying the pursuit of that thing…if it fills that hole you have and brings meaning to your life…if you’re proud of your accomplishments? No one can take that from you. That's success. It's yours to own.
And to those of you who shit on the idea of “participation trophies” – you’re part of the problem; arm-chair quarterbacks who are past your prime or are “never-weres.” See the end of this post for what Teddy Roosevelt thought about participation and those who turn their nose up at participation.
Success and failure? They are simply meaningless constructs that prevent us from enjoying the journey and keep us from being proud of our accomplishments. Stop caring about the destination of “success” or “failure” at some arbitrary point in time set my arbitrary people. Do the things that fill you, inspire you and bring meaning to life. That’s the ultimate measure of success – living life on your terms. To the arm-chair quarterbacks – join us on the field of life, or sit down and shut up.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
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