As many of you know, my grandmother passed away. Yesterday was the funeral. My grandmother lived and taught those around her various life-lessons for 92 years and even in death continues to add clarity to ideologies I've long circled around. Last night, I lit a fire and toasted my grandmother while talking to my wife about one particular ideology.
My parents, for as long as I can remember, have used the phrase "blood is thicker than water." Meaning, family comes first. I've always struggled with this notion. Don't get me wrong, family is incredibly important, but it's the concept of "family" that I've wrestled with.
In the above quote, "family" is defined as one that you're born into. But what about the family you build?
The College Experience
I attended Mizzou (University of Missouri-Columbia) and as a freshman entered into the lottery for a dorm roommate. I ended up with a great one, however, my first several weeks at Mizzou were not smooth. In fact, I mentally "quit." As I began packing up to leave, I had trouble getting my car from the off-campus parking lot and two random students bailed me out. That was the beginning of my real Mizzou experience. That was truly Day One for my journey.
Weeks later, my roommate had to be sedated and "GI scoped" to uncover the root of his stomach problems...and even though he just asked me to "drop him off" at the appointment, I stayed. While he was still sedated, the doctor reviewed their findings with me as if I was a family member and later, I had to carry my roommate up a flight of stairs to get to our room because he was still semi-sedated.
Later that year, I sat with another friend at the campus McDonald's as she tearfully told me about her mom getting sick. Her mom wanted her to stay at school, but my friend knew she had to go home. I can't remember the advice I gave...but I was there. I was present.
And that's when the idea of "family" evolved for me. 30,000 of us students on campus, 25% of us had just been living with our parents weeks prior...and we were all, essentially, 'alone.' But we had each other. I look back on my time at Mizzou with such fondness because so many friends became family during those four years. I didn't realize it at the time...but those bonds sustained me. Drove me. Pushed me to grow. And I miss them every day.
We took care of each other. Cared for one another. Took each other to doctor appointments and were there for each other during times of crisis. We built a family.
The Memory Box
I found myself rummaging through a "memory box" (pictured left) after the funeral. Chances are, if you've sent me a card or a letter...it's in there, somewhere.
This box represents my community, my family...both born and built. Cards from my parents, grandparents and friends are all tucked away with personal notes waiting for me to re-explore and re-connect.
And as I read through letters, it was like visiting with long-lost family members. I was transported back to those moments in time. Whether the letter was expressing congratulations for my engagement, or just a random letter asking how things were going with classes. As I read through these, it was if time was immaterial and I was back in that moment.
The people that wrote me letters and cards were such critical and important pieces of my life...of my becoming who I am...how could I consider them anything but family? Whether or not they are still active in my life today...they became a part of my DNA, their fingerprints left a lasting imprint and forever became a part of me...just like a family member would.
Into Adulthood
As we left the confines of college, as we left our college "family" we entered into adulthood. Many of us married...and again, "built" our family. Our spouses aren't "blood" but became intertwined with us. Their family became ours and vice versa. Building, growing and evolving.
Some of us realized we couldn't have children and we adopted...building our family. Others married spouses who already had children and despite the child's anger, confusion and hurt, we brought those kids into our family as well.
As I sat at the funeral, I looked around. Because of Covid-19, the crowd was limited; though, we have a fairly small family to begin with.
But as I looked around the room, I saw a familiar (masked) face walk into the room. A friend of 15 years. A friend that I've been through many a battles with. A friend that asked me when services were...and, not wanting to put any expectations on said friend...I casually "forgot" to share those details. My friend..."casually"...looked the details up for herself. And showed up.
A friend that has become family. A friend that has equal value to me as the family ties that I was born into.
It wasn't until adulthood that I read another version of "blood is thicker than water." It reads:
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
The idea behind this quote being that the bonds you choose are more important than the bonds you were born into. Bonds like having a friend who chooses to show up to a funeral for a woman that she never met on a random Monday morning, in the middle of a pandemic...all to be there for me.
Though, even this philosophy is one that I can't fully accept either because the truth, as with most truths in life...exists somewhere in the middle.
Grandma's Legacy
We, as a nation, are fixated on binary thinking. Right/wrong. Left/right. A zero-sum game with "winners" and "losers." And we try to, unfortunately, apply this same binary thinking to family; where one type of family is elevated compared to another. One is better than another; or as with all zero-sum games, believing that one and only one type of family exists.
During my grandma's funeral, the pastor talked quite a bit about family and relationships and it brought me back to the first time my grandma met Marly. Grandma told her "just call me Grandma Bonnie, everyone does!" Marly and I weren't engaged, nor even circling around that as a future possibility. Not at that time.
You see, grandma understood the idea of a "built" family. What made her so special to so many people was that she brought everyone into her community...into her family. She was "grandma" to more than just three grandchildren; she was grandma to many. She was mom and sister to many others in her circle. She accepted anyone and everyone into her family.
And it's this legacy, grandma's legacy, that we so desperately need today. We yearn for connection, for community. Yet binary thinking has polluted our approach to community. We believe that "disagreeing" with someone means that bonds should be broken when in reality diverse thinking can add to our experiences and enhance our own views of the world.
While there are inevitably times when we move on from "active" bonds; where we may no longer see each other or participate in one another's lives...it doesn't change the fact that people who were once important parts of our lives left their mark. And we left our mark on them...and neither party will be the same again. We now have a small piece of them with us, always.
Every relationship has an endpoint; life-long friendships and marriages "end" often times with that painful, inevitable "goodbye." Yet too often we believe that the ending of that relationship means that everything that was "good" about the relationship should be discarded or buried. Forgotten. But we must hold on to the memories; hold on to the support and love that once sustained us and gave us strength. Those relationships changed us...and we should be grateful to those who enabled us to grow and become who we are today. And gave us the foundation for who we may still yet become tomorrow.
To all of my family, both born and built...thank you. Thank you for making me who I am today. Every card, letter and conversation has left its impression, changed me in great and small ways. I take pieces of you with me on my journey and I celebrate the good times while learning from the hard times.
There are so many of you who don't realize that I've embraced you into my "built" family and will always think of you as family. And for that, I'm sorry. Know that even if our bonds have faded that you are still a part of me and I still consider you "family."
If you ever need me...I'm one letter away.
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