A bit of controversy on the blog today about “positivity.” There’s been this sweeping new religion or philosophy around “positivity.” Its core truth is that no matter what happens “choose to be happy!”
I’m not a psychiatrist but it seems to me that jumping to instant “positive” after an emotional wound sabotages the healing process. Jumping to positive means avoiding pain.
We spend so much of our lives trying to avoid pain. Got a headache? There’s a pill for that. There’s even toothpaste for pain in our teeth! But here’s the problem: pain can’t be avoided, it can only be temporarily relieved.
Think about traumatic events in our lives: the loss of a job, divorce, bankruptcy, the loss of a loved one. In each of these situations outsiders try to help you avoid the pain by offering words of “positivity.” Think about the last funeral you went to. Did you say something like “they are in a better place now” to try and comfort? In reality…we’ve simply offered up an alternative narrative to help that person avoid confrontation with the reality of their loss.
I’m not suggesting we be jackasses about a loss, nor make light of a terrible situation. I’m also not suggesting that we stay and live in pain forever. But I am saying that we must process the pain; we must allow others to process their pain.
If I break my arm, I can take pain pills to dull the pain, but the bone break needs to be addressed, or it will never heal properly. What we’re doing by choosing “positivity” is taking pain medications and never going to the doctor to have the bone set. “Always positive” means we’re ignoring things that are broken. And if we ignore them too long, they will never heal properly. We will never heal. Pain is a part of the healing process. It’s an indication that something needs to be fixed, something needs attention.
The pendulum has swung too far. I think many people preaching this false narrative start out with good intentions. They think they are helping people find happiness and reducing their pain.
But ignoring so-called “negative” emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, etc) is damaging. Burying those emotions (i.e. “choosing positivity”) is only kicking the can down the road. You will pay a toll for that. And in fact, the longer you ignore the pain…the higher the price later.
Many within the “choose positive” movement are Christians…saying God wants us to be “happy.” But remember, Jesus wept over the loss of a friend. He wept over His city. He got angry. Emotions are a part of the human condition…we do, however, need to guard against emotions controlling us, but ignoring so-called 'negative' emotions was never the intended message.
What we should do is strive for acceptance. The loss of a loved one is cause for sadness, anger, disbelief regardless of the scenario. So, be sad. It’s OK to be sad about the loss of a friend or family member. It’s OK to be angry at the universe. These emotions are part of the human condition and part of the healing process. Accept those feelings.
It's important to know that those emotions are legitimate emotions. Don’t short-circuit healing by expecting yourself to be “positive” immediately.
But, again, that’s not giving you permission to stay in those emotions forever. Work through it day after day and know that someday, you will be OK. Only by accepting each step of the healing process can you get back onto the path of real happiness. Not fake “positivity.”
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