I posted a message to Pope Francis about his message around the selfishness of small families. The feedback from my community was overwhelmingly supportive. I was humbled by those who reached out and expressed their compassion and care and I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart.
My wife shared the post to her community…and she too was humbled by the response.
But unlike my community, within her community…there were pockets of defensiveness.
Telling her that she ‘misunderstood’ the message.
One person outright said “I haven’t experienced it before, therefore, you’re making it up. You couldn’t have experienced it because I didn’t see it.”
What?
Like, literally…what????
While there are many things we, as a society of human beings need to address, one of the biggest chasms I see is a lack of empathy.
Let’s talk about what empathy is…and what it isn’t…and how it applies to this story. I pulled the below definition from Psychiatric Medical Care:
Sympathy states “I know how you feel”. Empathy states “I feel how you feel”. In this case, having empathy is being more aware of the other person’s feelings, not your own.
Sympathy often involves a lot of judgement. Empathy has none. Sympathy involves understanding from your own perspective. Empathy involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and understanding WHY they may have these particular feelings.
Boiling it all down, empathy simply says: I hear you. I see your pain.
I think about female colleagues who all seem to have a story of misogyny or outright sexism.
I can’t know what that’s like, but I can hear them. I can see their pain. But how many times are they dismissed? How many times are they told “well, they didn’t mean it like that?” And then our female colleagues…our mothers, sisters, wives…are left to shoulder that pain. Alone.
I think about Black Americans and other marginalized people in our society…how often their stories of racism are dismissed and excused. They then must shoulder that pain. Alone.
I can’t know how they feel. But I can hear them. I can see they are in pain. And I can acknowledge they are in pain.
I think too many of us believe that empathy is an acknowledgement of personal fault. It’s not.
We aren’t taking on a “weak” position. It’s truly about hearing someone else’s perspective.
All throughout Covid…there have been large pockets of dismissiveness, ie “you’re living in fear.” Or outright anger: “people die! Get over it.”
Where has empathy gone?
And the saddest part to all of it? So-called Christians seem to be at the forefront in the race-to-zero-empathy. Christians who follow a savior who once issued “the greatest commandment.” You know what that greatest commandment was? Love your neighbors as yourself.
Sounds like empathy. Sounds like seeking to hear someone. Sounds like putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
I guess I missed the part in that commandment that said “Love your neighbor as yourself…unless they are experiencing something you haven’t…then? You can call them a liar.”
My Aramaic to English is a little rusty, so, you’ll have to forgive me if I mis-translated.
The path to change starts at empathy. You want to “make America great?” That road isn’t paved with “don’t tread on me t-shirts” and idiotic chants of “let’s go Brandon.” Real change starts with empathy. Real change starts with selflessness not selfishness.
I can’t imagine Jesus in a don’t tread on me t-shirt, nor chanting “let’s go Brandon.” I can’t imagine Jesus telling people in the midst of a pandemic “oh well, people die.” And I can’t imagine Jesus dismissing marginalized people’s pain. Also, spoiler alert: Jesus was an immigrant.
You want real change? Start with hearing people. Start with empathy. That path leads to understanding, healing and powerful change.
Start with empathy.
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