Growing up, the mid-life crisis was often depicted as a middle-aged man selling the family mini-van to buy a sports car. Or maybe having a fling with a 20-something younger woman. Or getting hair plugs.
As I settle firmly into middle-age, I’ve come to realize I'm flirting with my own mid-life ‘crisis’ and it’s vastly different than sitcoms prepared me for. Instead of the sports car – my mid-life crisis is coming in the form of past, present and future perspectives colliding all at once.
When we’re kids, our vantage point – our perspective – is firmly rooted in the present. We don’t have the context to reflect on the past and we haven’t lived long enough to have a firm grasp on the future. Our young kids have a hard time imagining there was a time that “mom and dad” had a life before them. When my son was young, he would see a toy he wants…and we would say “put it on your Christmas list.” And he would buck – “but that’s so far away!” His vantage point firmly on the present…in this moment in time.
As we get older, our vantage point begins to shift to the future. We think about what college we’re going to attend. What we want to be when we grow up. Who we want to date or marry. Where are we going to live? We start talking about things like a 401k and saving for a rainy day. Much of our energy is spent on thinking about the future. Yes, we still live in the moment – but our decisions and perspectives shift to thinking about the future impact of our decisions.
We’ll skip middle age for a moment and talk about our senior years. If you’ve had the luxury of spending time with your grandparents, you’ve noticed that they spend a lot of time talking about the past. Their perspective is rooted in all the experiences and memories they’ve had. There’s not much focus on the future; they are aware that it’s a reality they may not be a part of.
Which brings us to middle age. I believe that the mid-life crisis is really due to all of these perspectives – past, present and future - colliding at this point in our life. We have a past to reflect on. We think about past mistakes and successes. We have regrets. We wish we could take our hard-earned wisdom we have today and go back to our past-selves and course correct. But we also have to stay present in the now – most of us have busy careers and find ourselves in the prime of our working life; at the top of our game and making those big impacts we always wanted to make. We may also have kids who are growing up right before our very eyes and we’re doing everything we can to soak it up. And if thinking about the past while living in the present isn’t enough…we also find ourselves staring at a future that is standing right in front of us. A future where our kids have moved on and have their own lives. A future where parents and grandparents are no longer with us. A future where we find ourselves no longer in our prime and confronting our own mortality.
This collision point – past, present and future – hits us right at middle age. It can create, at times, an almost paralyzing cycle of thoughts. It’s not just the squeeze of having kids, a career and other life stressors all at once, but standing at this meeting point of past, present and future and being able to see in all directions at once.
I’ll admit to some sleepless nights in thinking about the past…mistakes, regrets and even a longing for simpler times. Which then creates a new stream of thoughts about trying to live in the moment and stay present for a kid who is a senior…which leads to thoughts about the future. Will he be OK in college? Did I do enough to prepare him? Will he be happy?
I think this collision point expresses itself differently in each person. Some folks do go out and buy the sports car. Others shut down the thoughts and bury their heads in the sand…living only in the present moment and ignoring the intrusive thoughts about the past and future. Perhaps depression or a lack of enthusiasm about life begins to creep in.
But this collision point is also a unique opportunity. A chance for us to come to acceptance about our past. Accept that the mistakes we made – made us. Accept that friends and relationships we may no longer have? Those weren’t for nothing – they were important and valuable at the time we had them. They helped shape us and gave us comfort at the time we needed them.
This collision point helps us appreciate the here and now, allowing us to re-prioritize our lives. As we are in the prime of our career, we may find that the balance has shifted…perhaps we spend too many hours at work or let our work occupy too much of our mental and emotional energy (sorry, Hustle-Bros, working 167 hours a week is not in fact impressive).
And this collision point starts to get us more comfortable with our future; our mortality and our fading prime. Leading us to recognizing that “there’s still some living left when our prime comes and goes (thanks Jimmy Eat World).”
It is still an overwhelming time in our lives – just because we come to grips with it, doesn’t mean it won’t still levy its’ toll. With our hard-earned wisdom, we owe it to ourselves to recognize what we’re going through and to give it its’ due. Take the time to process the colliding perspectives, go through the emotions of it…only then can we gracefully move into the next stage of our evolution.
Opmerkingen