I’m going to make a confession. I haven’t won a lot of work awards. No circle-of-golden-amazing-productivity awards, no 20 under 20, 30 under 30 nor 40 under 40. I don't think I'm going to make 50 under 50 either. C'est la vie.
I don’t drive the fanciest or newest car (it’s a 2011, in fact). Most of my shoes are from Kohls (though, I did ‘splurge’ on a pair of wingtips from Dillards).
I’m not invited to a bunch of speaking panels and the KC Business Journal isn’t beating down my door.
I guess that means I’m just not “successful.” Maybe if I worked harder…”crushed it” some more, I could buy that fancy new car. And then after that…I could work even harder and buy a new boat. And then after that…so I can continue to impress people that I don’t care about…I could get a lake house.
Where does it stop? Where does “showing how successful I am” run it’s course? At what point can I say "I'm successful!" And why do you care?
If I pull into my neighborhood with the most expensive car…what happens? Ticker-tape parade? Do I get a plaque?? Ohhh, does it read: ”Hey! This guy right here is winning life ‘cause he has the most expensive car!”
This is not a jab at the successful. Nor towards those that have a lot of ‘fancy stuff.’ Rather, questioning who exactly is defining “success” for you? Why do I need to drive the newest, most expensive car to somehow validate my “success?” And in whose eyes does that validation need to occur? Is there a list of people I need to impress and showcase my value? Oh! Do THEY give me the plaque?
We have fallen into the trap that proof of success is directly tied to the collection of shit. For me to feel “successful” I have to pull into my neighborhood with a nicer car than anyone else to validate my existence and “prove” how smart and successful I am.
What a load of crap.
First of all, I don’t care if anyone thinks I’m successful or not…in fact, I’d prefer they think I’m living in a van down by the river and spare me their GoFundMe asks and school fundraisers. I kid, mostly.
My wife and I, very early on, defined what success would look like for us. And then we began working towards those goals. Goals like:
Collecting memories, not things
Being involved parents, not absentee workaholics
Being able to save some money to help our kiddo with funding college
Being able to travel wherever we wanted
Working towards a comfortable retirement
By every account on the above goals…we are striving towards ‘success.’ By our measures.
We made time to be present and active parents, hell, we coached Colin in his sports for 8 years straight. We have attended every school event he has. We’re present during homework. And I take time to shoot hoops, play pool and play catch whenever he wants.
Yet, in three separate interviews, this philosophy of success has been mocked. One gentleman suggested I’m riding on my wife’s coattails. Another sat behind her desk and admitted her job was the direct cause of her divorce and when I talked about my desire to strive for balance in my career with another interviewer…she said (and I quote) “you aren’t hungry.”
The above examples of “success” didn’t align with mine. I didn’t ridicule the person whose job lead to divorce, however, none of them had any qualms in passing judgement on my vision of success. And that’s the problem. You’re going to run into people like this and if you haven’t defined your version of success and what’s important to you? You will let others, like these three, define it for you. And you will end up miserable.
There is no title, no car, no award I could win in which I'd sacrifice my family. Yet how many people do so...willingly...and then judge people like me on my unwillingness to do so. Perhaps misery loves company? I digress.
I will never be "successful" in these people's eyes. In fact...to them I look like a “failure.” But I don’t care…because I’ve defined what success is for me. I know what’s important and meaningful to me. If that causes me to not get that job or not impress that recruiter? I’m good with that.
Real success is living on your terms and by your rules. If that’s a quiet cabin in the woods? Work towards that. If, for you, success means the nicest car in the neighborhood…then strive for that.
But understand that working towards another’s standard of ‘success’ is not actually ‘success.’
Even if you achieve it. You still will have failed.
Because you weren’t true to you.
We have to draw lines in the sand for the values that are important to us. We must define the life we want to live and the goals we want to achieve.
Letting other people define those things for you will leave you feeling unfilled, frustrated and on a path to futility.
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